02/05/2004 Entry: "I Prefer Them Uncut."

Someone I spoke to recently was extolling the virtues of Mochi, a brown rice I don't remember who, nor what they said. But while I was wandering the aisles, mesmerized, at the newly opened Whole Foods last week I suddenly found myself with a package of it in my basket. I finally opened the package to have with dinner on friday.

The package tells you to cut the mochi into 1- to 2-inch squares. What they don't tell you is that the stuff is as hard as particle board. I put down the steak knife I was holding, attacked with the "good" kitchen knife first, and then resorted to the bread knife after I had done nothing more than score across the veneer of the rice. As I sawed away, the serrated blade began moving dangerously. Time suddenly shifted into slow motion; I knew that I was in imminent, unavoidable danger of cutting myself and all I could do was watch. I saw the knife draw slowly across the back of my finger and nail, though not too deeply, thankfully. I was getting the first aid kit out before the blood had even accumulated on my cuticle.

As I bound my fingertip tightly with a bandage, I shot dirty looks at the cutting board, wondering if all this was going to be worth it. A phrase suddenly jumped into my head, showing where my mind has been lately: "These had better taste like porn stars coming in my mouth." I had meant it metaphorically. The universe delivered, but did so much more literally¹. Be careful what you wish for.

In the meantime, if anyone would like to try the stuff, come on over. Bring your own circular saw.

(¹ OK, that's a bit of dramatic license. The squares bake into the consistency of a popover, hard and crusty and hollow with a moist, slightly sticky interior coating. But actually the plain mochi squares taste mostly just bland; they seemed more like a rice cake that someone has washed, rather than the cracker in a frat house.)

Replies: 5 comments

And just like that, I know more about you than I probably should. Right, off to bed.

Posted by -J. @ 02/05/2004 11:59 PM PST

I demand that you make this the next time I am visiting the Bay Area!

Thought I doubt I could get the circular saw through CMH/SFO security.

However, the challenge there is interesting.

Posted by Nala @ 02/06/2004 09:56 AM PST

Damn, I wish the voice in my head would say stuff like that.

Posted by biologic show @ 02/06/2004 06:50 PM PST

Damn. I wish that these cool 'bon mots' had slightly more workplace application.

I doubt I will be sitting in a meeting in the next week or so, and have the occasion to say, "Where the hell is the pizza we ordered for lunch?! It had better taste like porn stars coming in my mouth, dammit."

Hmm. Something to mull though.

Posted by Colin @ 02/08/2004 06:50 PM PST

Whereas I am planning on using the phrase as soon as possible at work. Of course, I'll probably get asked which porn stars...

Posted by Sister Edith @ 02/08/2004 09:40 PM PST