05/26/2004 Entry: "Granola Bars For The Spooky."

The vending machine in my workplace has a big banner across the top: "Free vend to every 60th customer!" However, the typeface they use is jagged and hand-drawn, so I can't help but read "...every Goth customer!" Sometimes I stand in front of it and demand my free candy, to no avail. It knows I'm not hardcore enough.

The other day I went to get a healthy snack out of it: A Granola Bar. OK, not so healthy, necessarily, but at least a little better than a Three Musketeers. I had exact change and pressed the letter and number and watched the Archimedes' Screw spin and spin...and stop. Fuck.

(Side note: I think "An Archimedes' Screw" would be a great name for a cocktail. I hope they'll be made available in vending machines somewhere.)

I did my best to shake and rattle the rack, acutely aware that the machine fully intended to fall over on me, flattening me, thus stopping the uncomfortable mid-afternoon staring contests we'd been having as well as decisively concluding this argument. I leveraged myself against the wall next to it and give it a good wallop with my backside. At least it moved a little, I thought. Hey, I've finally found a benefit to my rapidly expanding derriere.

That's when I noticed I had an audience.

Sheepishly I pointed out my granola bar, clinging for dear life. "No, don't let the fat goth guy eat me! No!" He smiled that smile at me...you know, the one reserved for the insane and the hopeless, and I let him purchase his packet of cookies. I suggested, still trying to cover up my earlier vending machine booty bumping, that it would be funny if I got the free vend right now. He smiled that smile at me again, and walked back to his desk.

I gave up on the idea of shaking my granola bar loose, put another dollar in and pressed the button for a second pack. The rack spun, the packets dropped. Then I heard an odd beep and the sound of four quarters dropping into the coin return.

I looked up at the ceiling and said, "I really wish I had a bajilion gold pieces!"

I had to take the quarters and find this random co-worker, just to prove to somebody that it had happened. Triumphantly I showed him two granola bars in one hand and four quarters in the other.

He smiled that smile at me and said nothing.

That's OK. He just doesn't understand the bond the machine and I now share. Sure, maybe it was just dumb luck; but maybe it really does want to give me free candy. Maybe I need to wear eyeliner and a silver Ankh pendant next time. Or maybe it just liked that thing I did with my butt.

Replies: 4 comments

It was a typo.

It was supposed to say "Every Goethe customer" and then give free snacks to anyone who would write about the experience.

Posted by Jason @ 05/26/2004 01:55 PM PST

filthy gorgeous. classic.

Posted by aaron @ 05/26/2004 07:16 PM PST

The Archimedes' Screw is one of my sexual techniques that keeps my boyfriend happy.

Posted by Nala @ 05/28/2004 05:24 AM PST

Candy. Free Candy. And you "shakin' that ass." Sounds like a lot of fun!

Posted by Chas. @ 05/28/2004 01:25 PM PST