Ultramundane.com -- It's Just Not Natural.

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United States, California, San Francisco, The Mission, English, Spanish, Casey, Male, 31-35.

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Friday, January 16, 2004

Cigarettes And Chocolate Milk.

Did you know it's been four and half years since I last had a cigarette? It's true. I didn't realize so much time had passed. I've been reading of other people who quit for the New Year, going through the rough first few weeks. I feel for them. I don't ever want to go through that again.

Last week I picked up a pack of Marlboros for Vince while on my way over for dinner. It felt strange saying the words to the cashier, handling the box, sliding it into a coat pocket. Oddly familiar, this ritual, even after all these years. I wanted to "pack" the box too, hitting them twenty times on each corner just like I used to, but since they weren't mine, I didn't feel like I ought to.

Later that night, after saying goodnight to the Boyfriend and chatting a while longer with Vince, I walked home. I took a different route than usual and passed the apartment where I first really fell in love with a boy. I was visiting from Santa Barbara for Pride weekend, but ended up staying for a month or more, infatuated with him. I remember he hated the cigarette smell; I tried to pick out the window I had leaned out years ago for an early morning smoke.

He was the man I first tried to quit smoking for. Didn't work, of course. Once the long-distance relationship withered, so did my resolve. No, I thought, you have to fall completely in love with someone in order to quit. And while The Boyfriend may have helped, he wasn't the man I quit for either. You have to really love yourself to change like that. Sure, I'll take all the love and help I can get, but in the end I'm the only person who's always there to watch me.

This might be a good year to look into that relationship, to bridge the distance with that man who quit smoking for me all those years ago. We've been a little removed these past few years; I think it's time to figure out which windows he's been leaning out of lately.

11:18 AM PST (link)

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Pointless Post, Sort Of.

Somehow I managed to go the entire day without really ever doing any work. I think I was so productive the first three days of the week that I managed to get it all done by Wednesday. I don't know. All I know is that I was bored all day. I went through my bloglist about ~~three~~ ~~four~~ five times. I mean the BIG bloglist. I'd been to all my messageboards. I'd read the bloglists of the sites on my bloglist. I was even bored of searching for porn at work, so you know I was scraping the bottom of the barrel there for entertainment. I was looking forward to getting home to clean the house, bored. I even started on updating my links page. (Not live yet.) And you know I love you all, but I rated as the last priority of personal amusement this rather bland Weblog entry, submitted because it's been a week, because I don't feel like I can write the entry that I really want to write, and because if I want to post ever again, I need to post something else first.

So yeah. Um...I like muffins.

Now go read something else.

11:28 PM PST (link)